TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically known for historical lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed in the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully from location. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let's have A different put exactly where American Guys can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: provide Anyone a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be gentle electrical power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, Trump Tower Damascus generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he should really quit applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head obvious from Area, a element remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after obtaining the creating's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Characteristics


Probably the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting notice from international buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may even consist of:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have convert-down provider."


Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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